/jp/ - Otaku Culture

Anyone who mistreats Reisen is good in my book/

I shrugged, since it would likely require Miss Yuuka to tell us when we could do it, but I figured that any date was probably fine. "Er...the fourth...?" Again, I said, any date was fine by me. Just as long as it was fine by Miss Yuuka. "I suppose it's more her decision than ours, then." I laughed slightly, at which point I felt a sharp pinching sensation in my arm and yelped. "Hey-!" Yamame began, before realising that the needle had gone in. "...Right." She muttered.

"Now, I'll push this in..." Eirin attached a tube to the needle in my arm which I had to force myself not to look at. "And...There." risking a glance down, I was amazed to see the substance, dark red in colour, already starting to fill the tube. "Now, let's turn our attention away from weddings and onto more sombre topics. Tell me why you came here today."

I explained the events of five days ago, when we had returned to my home. Eirin listened calmly and only interjected for clarifications, and once I was finished, she was silent for a moment. "You are a very compassionate person." Eirin finally said. "Professionally, I should refrain from commenting on it, but this is worth mentioning. You had a youkai - Two youkai, living in the house that you and the family you lost lived in, and you chose to be nice to them. Few from the village could claim to have done such a thing. Even fewer who have been through what you have."

I wasn't sure where she was going with this. Eirin blinked. "My apologies. I got carried away. Now, you have had several flashes on memory from your family, and you found a message left on the wall." I nodded. "Tell me what the memory made you feel." I thought for a moment. The height chart had made me feel...Sad, I supposed. "For what reason?" Eirin asked with a slightly tilted head. Because...It had been unfinished. My father had never seen what I would turn out to be. And we'd gone and finished his work even though he still would never see it. "Do you think he would be disappointed?" I frowned. In what? "That you finished the work. Without him. Or would he be happy to see the man you grew into?"

It was a good question, and one that I hoped had the latter as an answer. "I cannot speak for everyone, but I have seen some of the boys from the village come in when we first opened our doors and come in again more recently. Sometimes with their fathers, and as a result, I have seen the pride their fathers had in them. Watching your child grow appears to have a pleasing effect on them." Was she trying to say something? "I cannot answer your questions like that, much as I cannot solve your problems for you. But it is my opinion that he would have been proud of you. Both for finishing his work, and for the man you have become."

"I think I would be proud of any kids I had." Yamame said to me, and I stared at her. Did she - kids? "I'm proud of Nai already, and she's not even my child."

"And - This message on the wall." Eirin thought for a moment. "They left it rushed and sloppy." It had to be from when we left that night, I replied. "When they could have chosen to take anything. Instead, they left a message on the wall." I was silent for a moment. "They knew that they might not make it back." Eirin stated. "And they knew that they were going to the you with them." That was true, and I'd been struggling with it in my mind. "Why would they have left the message if they thought that they might die, if you were with them too?" I thought for a while. Why? If they weren't going to make it back, there was every chance that I wouldn't either. But they'd still decided to leave the message. "Perhaps..." Eirin said, pacing. "They knew that they would lay down their lives for you. That they would do everything possible to keep you alive. So that you could see their final message."

Was that...Possible? I thought about all I could remember, and came to the conclusion that it very well might have been. That message, the fact that it was what they'd focused on instead of taking belongings from a house that might have burnt down by the time they got back, it screamed love from every jagged edge. Every poorly cared symbol. Everything that said that conveying that love was more important than the accuracy. I felt almost like crying again.

"It's okay." Yamame whispered to me, squeezing my hand tighter. "You'll be fine." I nodded. I felt good. More complete, with that message. Like I'd gotten some closure after being denied even their memories for so long. "I'm really happy for you." Yamame told me. Speaking of which, I still didn't know anything about her parents. What was-

"You feel as if you had just gotten your balance, only for someone to set whatever you were standing on wobbling." Eirin said, looking up from her clipboard. I stared up at the ceiling and sighed. I supposed that was one way of putting it. "But - At the same time, you feel guilty." She continued. It wasn't a question, but a statement. I tried to find a way to respond but failed. "You said that you felt guilty because - On some level - you felt thankful that the events that happened did indeed occur, because it led to the current situation you are in today." I snapped slightly at this point and asked her if she was planning to just repeat everything I said. "If that is what it takes to make you understand it." She replied sharply. "Remember, I am not here to solve your problems. I am here for you to talk about them." Sitting on the chair behind the couch that I was lying on, I felt Yamame squeeze my hand. "Have I been accurate in my summary?"

Gritting my teeth, I told her that she had been. "Good. Now, let's discuss your feelings of guilt. What happened to your parents was not your fault." I knew that, I muttered. "Do you?" Was Eirin's measured reply. "Have you ever heard of survivor's guilt? It is a mindset where an individual feels guilt for surviving an event where others did not. It is not entirely relevant, but I think it lies adjacent to your problem. Do you believe that your parents would be upset with you for being thankful for things that have happened to you since they died, simply because they did not get to live to see it?" I mumbled something...But I didn't really have an answer. "The typical parent does not wish ill upon their children. They love and care for them in the hopes that they will live the best they possibly can." Eirin peered at me with her cold, grey eyes. "Even if they may not be there to see it."

I looked over at her. "Can you honestly tell me that you believe your parents would rather you had died with them? Or that they would rather the incident had never happened, even if it meant you ended up living a quiet, mundane life, just waiting for the flame of life to burn out? Would they prefer that rather than seeing you happy as you are now?" In the end, I supposed that I couldn't really know. I'd been young when they died. Honestly, I hadn't actually known them that well, when I thought about it. It was another one of those regrets. I’d never really gotten to know their pasts. "You feel guilty for almost feeling glad that the attack happened, because it led you to being the person you are now." I nodded silently, and Yamame squeezed my hand tighter. "You had no part in causing those events or your role in surviving them. Therefore, you have nothing to feel guilty about. If those events had any positive outcomes, then you should be thankful for them. It doesn't mean that you are celebrating the event as a whole." Eirin nodded and placed the clipboard to one side. "Now that we are at the end of this session, I have a question to ask you."

I sat up and looked at her, curious. She'd changed her outfit slightly. She was wearing a long, white coat. It looked thin, like it would be no good at all outside. In the breast pocket sat two pens and a pair of glasses, which were hooked into the pocket by one of the arms. I wouldn't have thought someone like Eirin needed them. "I do not need them." Eirin said, seeing where I was looking. "However, there are times when they are useful." She got to her feet and placed her hands behind her back. "When we started these sessions, we had a discussion about certain services that I believed you could offer me." Eirin watched me like I was a specimen. "I want to know if you are still willing to assist me with my experiments." Eirin asked, her eyes boring into mine. "These sessions are my repayment to you for your pain and suffering, so I will not attempt to force you into an agreement that assisting me is payment for your sessions. However, I would be tremendously appreciative." I told her that I was still willing to consider it, as long as it was clear that I was not suddenly going to wake up tied to a bed with more strange drugs coursing through my veins than blood and my brain leaking out of my ears from constant memory wipes.

"She...Arrested you?" Eirin asked me, lowering her clipboard. "With - With handcuffs?" I nodded, trying not to betray my embarrassment. "And she took you to what she referred to as an interrogation room, which was itself a room on the side of...Her house?" I nodded again. "And there, she interrogated you on things that you are certain were false. She disregarded everything you said and shouted at you repeatedly, before locking you in a small room that you couldn't leave." Eirin finished, summarising the strange and wholly unpleasant situation that had befell me the previous day. "For hours?" I guessed so, but once I'd started panicking, I probably couldn't have told her what day it was, let alone the hour. "That is not going to be good for your mental state."

Yamame, who was always more or less an angel, gave me a hug. She had accompanied me to Eientei on this occasion, since Reimu had confessed that she was a little worried that Kotohime might fixate on some other poor villager and wanted to keep an eye on her, as well as having to supervise the Shrine's maintenance. I'd smiled weakly and thanked her after she had escorted Yamame, who was still fairly teary-eyed, and myself out of the village and in the direction of the caves. She'd told me to come back to the Shrine the next day, at which point I had told her of my desire for another session with Eirin. Thus, here I was, with Yamame. "I thought he'd been kidnapped by-" She cut herself off, her eyes slipping to the floor.

Eirin, as was usually the case, looked emotionlessly between us. "Ah." She spoke. "You thought that I had experienced a relapse and had attempted to kidnap him." She didn't carry any real blame in her voice. "As I explained to him on his last visit, the situation that led to my mental state during the Summer and Autumn months will not happen again. You have nothing to fear from me." Yamame, as expected, didn't look entirely convinced, but I put my hand on her knee and gave her a weak smile, and she slowly nodded. "I've heard of Miss Kotohime before." Eirin said, getting up from her chair and approaching her desk. She sifted through some files and pulled out a strange object, flat but thicker than a sheet of paper, with a dark, slightly reflective screen. "Delusions." she said, tapping the screen, which lit up in a way I hadn't expected. "However, I shall not reveal too much, for it would be betraying her trust." She turned the object toward me, and I was surprised to see a picture, like the ones in the books at Suzunaan, but far more detailed. On it, Kotohime stood, wearing her kimono and with all the aura of a princess, and none of the craziness that I'd seen on the previous day. "The issues only emerged somewhat recently. Previously, she was far more stable." Eirin took the object back and made the screen dark again, then slid it back into her desk. "Fortunately, you were left physically unharmed, although I'm certain that the experience was mentally straining."

"Straining!" Yamame repeated, taking hold of my arm. "How could anyone do that to another villager!?" She looked me up and down despite my quizzical glance. "Look at him! He's so cutesy and unassuming!" Cutesy? I repeated her words incredulously. I’d hoped for something more like ‘handsome’, or at the very least ‘Alright when drunk’, but…Cutesy? "If I didn't know any better, I’d-"

"Let me stop you there." Eirin said, raising a hand. "It would be better if you do not disclose any plans or potential plans that you may have. Especially if they concern harming a villager." My hand was still on Yamame's knee, so I squeezed it slightly and she tightened her grip on my arm just slightly in response. "Now, I fear that I have prior commitments, so I was have to bring this session to a close. Before I do, however, tell me something." Eirin levelled her steely gaze at me. "Are you still having bad dreams?" I'd had one the previous night, presumably due to being trapped in that small room. Otherwise...I couldn't remember them all, but I suspected that I was still having some. "Hm." Eirin hummed. "I can prescribe you some of my Dream Butterfly Pills, which would provide a temporary solution. Addressing the root cause of your issues would be more ideal, though." Well, I muttered, that was what these sessions were supposed to be about, right? Eirin gave me a thin smile that didn't reach her eyes. "Right." She repeated.

And that was the end of that. Eirin seemed to be busy with Winter approaching, but still told me to come back as soon as I could. Just before we left, She caught Yamame on the way out and asked if she was behaving herself. "If I'm - What?" Yamame replied sharply. Eirin stared her down. "I never deliberately spread an illness, you know. Only in self-defence, and that’s petered out recently, so..."

Now, I started to feel angry. Was that all this was? Professional curiosity? That's why I had to go through the traumatic situations that I had? I found that I no longer could remain lying down, so I got to my feet and began to pace the room. I asked her if that's why she had experimented on me. If that was why she had stolen my blood. If that was why she had sent rabbits to watch my home and ransack it.

"I suggest you keep a hold on your emotions." Eirin's voice remained cold. "It is good to process them, but not to lash out. Sit down." I swore at her. I couldn't help it; the anger was still too raw. "Sit. Down." Eirin repeated, and this time, that inner, primal part of my brain heard her voice, and told me to sit down right away. Numbly, I stumbled back over to the bench and sat back down. "Good." Eirin told me. "Do not let your emotions control you or we shall never get anywhere." She wrote something else on her clipboard. "I will make this simpler for you. I will ask you a question, and you will answer it in full detail. Then, I will permit you to ask a question of me." I crossed my arms again. My distrust was still strong, but Eirin seemed to at least be continuing to talk to me rather than dragging me off for memory wipes and dissection. "Tell me what memories you recovered."

Still glaring at her, I told her all about my memories of her experiments. I told her that I knew she was stealing my blood with the help of the princess. That she was using it as part of some hare-brained scheme to cure the Hourai Elixir, or to bottle luck, or for something I couldn't even understand, but I knew it was bad and-

"We-" She began, looking at me so sharply that it shut me right up. "-Will discuss the Hourai Elixir in a moment. Let us begin with your memories." I crossed my arms and scoffed. "I did experiment on you. I shall not deny that. However, and I mean this without any attempt at bragging, I am the most skilled medical practitioner in this world and all the worlds beyond it. I performed no experiments that I could not reverse with little effort. You would not be the first that I have tested a theory out on. The only difference is that you were returning here regularly." Eirin's emotionless grey eyes continued to observe me, and I found myself stammering as I tried to respond. Finally, I said that just because she could reverse it didn't make it okay. "No? Even though there was no lasting effect?" My nightmares said otherwise. "Your nightmares are nothing to do with the experiments I performed on you. Shall we discuss those, instead?"

In my memories, Eirin had told Reisen that she was analysing my blood, and that I may provide a solution to her problem of counteracting the Hourai Elixir. "You misunderstand. Udonge misunderstands, too. My work to create a countering agent for the Hourai Elixir continues regardless of you. You have contributed to it, by means of the materials you have gifted me on your visits here. You could contribute to it more, if you so wish." But - My blood? "I took your blood from you during your physical therapy sessions, but I never took enough to cause you harm." Then why had she taken it at all? "Are you tired? You are struggling to pay attention. I told you already that your very being attracts youkai. I took your blood to analyse it. I want to understand you." I stared at her, my mouth agape. "You do have seemingly divine luck, despite being completely normal. I would like to examine you further, but it cannot occur under these conditions." Was - Was she trying to offer an olive branch? "You may have wondered why I had the rabbits watch you, while you were still living in the Human Village." It had crossed my mind, yes. "As I said, you could contribute far more to my project of discovering the truth behind the Hourai Elixir's countering agent. I wanted you kept safe, and I couldn't risk another youkai attack being the end of you. That is why I had the rabbits monitoring you." I found my mouth hanging open again. She'd been...Protecting me? Eirin crossed her legs and put her clipboard down. "We will discuss your other grievances first." She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "Let me tell you about the Hourai Elixir."