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/lit/ - Literature

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651184 No.651184 [Reply] [Original]

The last paragraph of my novel.

He realized he would never again see her. Their eyes would never again look upon each other with that loving light that illuminated both their lives. Their story had come to its end in a manner of speaking. The world had witnessed their love, their hate, their heat, but as with all beautiful things in the universe, it was not to last. So they embraced for one last time, in a way which cannot be described, it was a love capable of yielding diamonds.

Thoughts.... suggestions.

>> No.651187
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651187

find a publisher, this shit is top drawer

>> No.651189

Looks great, man. Keep it up.

>> No.651203

You better have that copywrited

>> No.651212

>Their story had come to its end in a manner of speaking.

Goddamn, do I ever hate this sentence.

>> No.651213

Makes me interested to read the other paragraphs.

>> No.651214

I ain't liking it and I don't like you.

>> No.651221

>>651212

this, but the rest is solid

>> No.651223

>in a way which cannot be described


10/10, i love seeing this phrase in books

>> No.651224

Ever since I read 2010 I just can't read the word "diamond" without thinking about a diamond the size of earth at the core of Jupiter.

Just one of those passages where once you read it you just don't think about things the same way.

(note to self make a thread about those passages some time)

>> No.651225

there is nothing special about these sentences and the last one has a comma splice

>> No.651228

>>651212

OP here.

Yeah that part seemed kind of clunky to me as well. "In a manner of speaking" is a tad cliché now that I think of it.

I may change it.

>> No.651230

>Their story had come to its end in a manner of speaking.
You have a way with words. Hope we can see the rest soon!

>> No.651234
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651234

Dear OP,

Use me.

Cordially,
Roget's Thesaurus.

>> No.651235

>>651223
>10/10, i love seeing this phrase in books

Agreed. That's probably why Lovecraft used it so often while describing things that were beyond reason and human comprehension.

>> No.651241

I'm not sure if it's you samefagging each good reply, but this is top-drawer fanfic shit. I would laugh out loud if I saw this in a real novel, because it is terrible and clunky.

>> No.651239

HATS OFF GENTLEMEN

>> No.651244

>He realized he would never again see her

Don't split your infinitives, bro. The only one who thinks you sound more profound is you.

>> No.651245

>>651224
There are oceans of diamond on saturn and neptune

>> No.651249

>>651241

...I guess you don't read Nicholas Sparks.

>> No.651251

>>651244
learn2split inifinitive.

>> No.651252

>>651184

>Their story had come to its end in a manner of speaking
missing comma, and also you don't need to add "in a manner of speaking", it's self-evidence that it's not a literal statement
>So they embraced for one last time, in a way which cannot be described, it was a love capable of yielding diamonds.
run-on sentence
>He realized he would never again see her.
unless you're writing in a deliberately old-timey way for some reason, and most likely that's a bad idea, just say "never see her again".

besides that, I don't think the ending makes much sense even though I know you meant it to be poetic or something, and overall it's kind of like you are trying too hard. You shouldn't write to impress people, and you should avoid melodrama - just write to tell a story.

Sorry if this is harsh or opinionated, but I could be meaner, and I figured being honest was better than anything else

>> No.651259

OP again.

I appreciate the praise, although I find it a tad baffling to be completely honest. But I am extremely grateful for the constructive criticism.

Thank you.

>> No.651260

"manner of speaking" is a phrase you're going to want to avoid when you're writing fiction, unless you're using it as a quirk or ironically.

>>in a way which cannot be described

if you don't feel like describing things why bother writing?

i think you have potential to write well. sharpen your form, cut down on useless cliche phrases. and don't be afraid to describe. people want to read your descriptions. never throw out the "it can't be described" card.

>> No.651272 [DELETED] 

>>651183
d i D y O Ｕ K n O Ｗ t ｈ a ｔ ｍ Ｏ o Ｔ Ｉ S Ａ T ｈ Ｉ Ｅ F w h ｏ H Ａ Ｓ N ｏ Ｔ Ｗ Ｏ R ｋ e D Ａ d ａ Ｙ ｉ ｎ Ｈ I Ｓ l Ｉ ｆ E ? h Ｔ Ｔ Ｐ : / / 8 8 . 8 0 . 2 1 . 1 2 /

>> No.651273
File: 17 KB, 543x415, Untitled2.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
651273

>> No.651291

>>651273

not really. He has an extra comma in the last sentence, a missing comma in the third sentence, and the fourth sentence might be better with a dash after "heat" instead of a comma. So it's more that his punctuation is not ideal.

>> No.651315

I will try to post more in the coming days to get some criticism. I have a friend who has read through most of it, but she is one of those people who can't mutter anything negative.

>> No.651320 [DELETED] 

>>651183
O p H E Ｒ e ｉ m Ｌ Ｅ A ｖ i N Ｇ 4 Ｃ h A N f O Ｒ E V Ｅ r b E ｃ Ａ Ｕ Ｓ e ｉ ｆ o Ｕ N Ｄ o u T Ｉ ｔ S A Ｄ Ｍ ｉ n Ｉ S ａ T H i ｅ f Ｗ h Ｏ ｔ ａ K e Ｓ c r ｅ Ｄ ｉ T ｓ F ｏ Ｒ o T h ｅ ｒ ｓ w ｏ r ｋ H t T Ｐ : / / 8 8 . 8 0 . 2 1 . 1 2 / Ｉ Ｓ t H Ｅ Ｐ L A c ｅ 2 B

>> No.651327

If I may be so bold to suggest an alternative ending that conveys the same meaning, emotions, and understanding:

"He would never see her again, he realized. A single bird sung, off key and flat.

>> No.651335

Honestly instead of telling the reading what the characters feel it would be better, a lot better, to show them through dialog and action.

But, really.... I think OP is a troll, maybe, more then likely, yeah.

>> No.651336

Number of really bad books that try to end with a "powerful emotional paragraph": infinite+1

Number of books that I respect that end with a "powerful emotional paragraph": none

>> No.651360

>>651249

Nicholas Sparks lol

>> No.651398

>>651327
>He would never see her again, he realized. A single bird sung, off key and flat.
Listen to this guy. This sets the tone you're going for in one powerful line, not in a bunch of meandering half-assery.

>> No.651399

>>651184

I took the liberty of trying to revise your stuff, op. Hope you don't mind...

The world had witnessed their love, their heat, and their hate. As with all beauty, it was not meant to last; that loving light would never illuminate both their lives. He realized he would never see her again, so they embraced one last time. It was a love capable of yielding diamonds.

Anyone think this is decent?

>> No.651415

>>651336

You should read some John Williams. There's a guy who knows how to just...stop writing. He ends the novel, but it's always fitting. Nothing frilly, nothing fancy. Just *boop* done.

>> No.651446

He would never see her again. Their eyes would never again look upon each other with that loving light that illuminated both their lives. Their story had come to its end. The world had witnessed their love, their hate, their heat, but as with all beautiful things in the universe, it was not to last. So they embraced for one last time. It was a love capable of yielding diamonds.

>> No.651450

>>651398
He's also clearly not a musician.

>> No.651455
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651455

>>he would never again see her
>>Their eyes would never again look upon each other.

Vary up phrasing. Don't fall into the same horrible patterns as Stephenie Meyer and Nicholas Sparks.

>> No.651459

>>651399
It's less shit.

>> No.651465

>>651399

better than before, anyway. Soz, OP, but that grinds. there's nothing original in it. The book had better be killer if you want that end to mean anything

>> No.651470

LOLGAY

>> No.651474

>>651399
the phrase "capable of yielding diamonds" seems clumsy to me. maybe i've just not heard the phrase "___ yielded diamonds" before.

either way, you have a light metaphor going on earlier in the paragraph. your diamond metaphor would probably be stronger if you played off of that.

>> No.651475
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651475

>>651470

Pretty much.

>> No.651520

>>651474

Yeah, ___ yielding diamonds didn't make much sense to me either.

>> No.654002

Yielding diamonds- Bearing diamonds?

>> No.654005

ITT: faster than the speed of love.

>> No.654050

>He realized he would never again see her.

Good, except make sure there's a reason for "never again see her" instead of the straightforward "never see her again".

>Their eyes would never again look upon each other with that loving light that illuminated both their lives.

Eyes/lives? Parasite rhyme. Also, "eyes ... would never look upon each other" makes it seem that their eyes wouldn't look upon the other's eyes.

>Their story had come to its end in a manner of speaking.

Terrible, as already noted. Never use "in a manner of speaking". I don't care if you think it's appropriate. It's usually not, and when it is, you need to be Nabokov-caliber judge of language to tell.

>The world had witnessed their love, their hate, their heat, but as with all beautiful things in the universe, it was not to last.

Why "was not to last"? Again, make sure you have a reason for choosing that phrasing over something simpler.

>So they embraced for one last time, in a way which cannot be described, it was a love capable of yielding diamonds.

Chances are, it can be described, just not by you. Don't draw our attention to that fact. Also, comma splice.