/vt/ - Virtual Youtubers

>>74675727
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo-A2-nuXMo

Nope, not yet.

>>69025842
Your prose needs time and practice to mature. There's nothing necessarily wrong with it, but it has no really strong points either. The delivery of some of your lines and scenes is really good, and they carry some nice punch to them. That said, I'd recommend culling the use of exclamation marks unless it's in dialogue. If you're looking for emphasis, you can use strong verbs.

Anon's mentality as well as the reaction he has to both his fantasies and the unfolding events were mint. Chloe getting all sadistic was hot except for her calling you 'cucky'. That just felt silly in my eyes, but you did a great job with everything else.
>No matter what happens, all women will cheat on you. And you have no one but yourself to blame~
Ouch.
I felt fuzzy when Chloe told Satori to fuck off and how she made sure that only her boyfriend gets the videos.

You're making a very interesting story, Anon. I'm all along for the ride now.

>>63341360
Sure, here you go.
https://rentry.org/w5esx2

>>61892264
The setup moved very quickly. I suppose it was part of the transition from greentext to prose. Nothing too grating or such, but it could've used some more work to lay the grounds for the story better. Me personally, I would've made Anon be stepping out of Suisei's car as he recollects on what happened, maybe have a little segment for himself where he talks about the Suisei he knows.
You did a great job of setting up the innocence in little Anon. Things like him saying he's not a baby or staring away from Suichan's panties really sell him, althought I believe you could've lingered a bit more on his discomfort. I do understand however, that you might not be comfortable doing so.
Perhaps I'm misremembering things from the original fic, but I see this time you've gone with a different angle to Suisei, much similar to Reine in Sakura Summer.
>No amount of candy or toys was worth going through this.
God, that's fucking guttural.

That said, a couple of grammar/formatting errors popped up here and there. Could've used a little once over. Chapter two had a sudden change in perspective.


Other than that, I'm glad we're finally getting this as a series. The original greentext was one of the must guttural, rawest things I've read and I want to feel my stomach turn again. Thanks for posting it, Anon.

Story Anchor!
Let me see them~

Another 8k out of the way baby!
This chapter is 1/4th Foob sex!

>Finally began writing
We're so back.

>She sees your wordcount.

OP here
sorry posted the wrong image.

Story anchor!
No need to be shy~

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